White woman driver

There are always those few things that apparently should not be spoken about during polite conversation. This obviously includes politics and religion, but if you are a girl then it might also include weight gain, ex boyfriends and boyfriends’ ex-girlfriends.

At yet another Sunday night feeding, I discovered another thing that should be tackled rather lightly: Driving abilities. Or rather lack thereof.

My Robyn is a renowned bad driver but somehow manages to make it home alive in her daily run around’s so my mates and I tend not to take the piss too much. But this was the one dinner party that all our inside jokes about the deathly driver would come out.

Story 1: She hit a curb today and didn’t notice.

Story 2: She ran a red light and looked at the law abiding drivers like they were the arseholes.

Story 3: She did a U turn across two lanes of traffic without looking. Yes she crashed.

Story 4: At a braai in Stellenbosch, she fell asleep after having too much wine (also known as passing out). When she wakes up announces to her 5 passengers how pleased she is that she isn’t drunk anymore. The best part of this is that on our 30K journey back, while the rain trickled down on the windscreen, and the car fogged up (because she didn’t know how to turn the defogger on) while the hearts silently pumped with anxiety in the backseat, and sweaty hands wiped the quivering thighs of its owner, my dear unknowing, unsuspecting Robyn asks why everyone is so quiet. The response received from everyone via BBM was “because we are all praying”.

Apparently this is only funny to everyone else, because apparently my Robyn had absolutely no idea that she was what we academically and thoughtfully classified as unaware yet happily spatially damaged driver.

There’s always a stereotype attached to driving. My Robyn fills the dangerous woman driver generalisation but all I can say is it could be worse. She could have the generalised driving ability of a black woman driver. This is one rather non-PC generalisation I shamelessly (and humorously) agree with, especially since all of my most hilarious driving moments have involved a black woman driver in a giant BMW or Bentley.

Hey it could be the same woman for all I know but in every case, there has been nothing but hooters, angry people that are late for something and at least one graceful bumper bash.

So when this one woman, decided that she was lost mid intersection, she just stopped.

Yes STOPPED.

 She then proceeded to turn her car off.

Yes she turned the mammoth car OFF in an intersection.

The best part was the no hazard lights decision or the use of anything minutely helpful to the fellow drivers sharing the road. Then she got on her phone and had a conversation for directions while blatantly ignoring the hooting and shouting before starting her car again and moving on.

If I look at it this non-PC-yet-extremely-correct situation, then I can happily be grateful for My Robyn and her non-driving skills which seem almost minor by comparison.