Detox shmetox

I just completed a 13 day detox and I’ve got to say... it’s really not great. Its especially tough because my lovely flatmates organise on weekend one to have one long binge weekend that starts out with baking delicious pastries and drinking the frothiest hot chocolate and ends with wine and free hors d’oeurve’s and pizza.

Torture.

I managed to suffer through the temptation by relying on millions of flavoured herbal tea (no sugar or honey or sweetners) and hubbly bubbly! Not really much of a compromise!

I’ve quickly begun to realise that being an anorexic must suck immensely! Everything we do as human being surrounds the topic of food or alcohol.

 Like: movies (popcorn is part of the experience)

 Lunch with friends

Dinner with friend or with a boyfriend

 Catching up over a cup of coffee

Having a glass of wine with dinner, or after a long day, or while you’re out, wine tasting, or when you need to relax... Okay so the amount of things a person can do that includes wine is ENDLESS!

(needless to say I quite enjoy wine)

Basically, all the social and generally entertaining things that we engage in as humans surround food. It must be crazily boring to be anorexic, I mean yes you can (sometimes) fit well into your clothes but where will you wear the clothes?  To your kitchen where you won’t be eating? What fun.

Apologies if you think I’m being crass, I just feel a sort of connection with other self deniers. Perhaps I’ll start chewing ice and sniffing chocolate bars to attempt to keep my hunger at bay.

To Cruize or not to cruize

After being on a contiki tour for 4 days around Greece with some of the most interesting natives of Australia and New York, my contiki group boarded the Aqua Marine cruise ship where we would “party” our way around Turkey and Crete back to Athens.  At least I am pretty sure it said that on the brochure. “Awesome” I thought; there’s a whole bunch of fun things to play with and do! There’s a pool, a gym, two bars, a casino, a basketball court plus breakfast lunch, dinner AND snacks! At this stage my mind is short circuiting at all the awesomeness that I will endure at the hands of the mighty Aqua marine!

Alas, all this proved to mean close to nothing. The boat was made in the late 70’s and unfortunately that was also the era of all the passengers’ heyday. We’re talking about the two step, an over abundance of speedo’s and mom jeans galore!

 Even worse is that somehow there were groups of even older people on board who were (a) always lost (b) non-English speakers and (c) taking up the whole narrow corridor. What this ultimately means is that you can’t pass them in the corridor and when you do happen to politely ask them to move their only response is an attempt at asking for directions. Directions?! The Aqua Marine is a maze of random paths going in all sorts of directions; no wonder so many people were trapped inside when the titanic sank.

Myself and the other young’uns huddled  together in the casino for safety and cocktail specials. We were the life (support) of the ship together, shouting and laughing and sticking cards to our faces, as one does. If we weren’t being shushed or glared at we were being joined by these twilight-zone characters. They would come out of the wood work sporting their  ‘night rider’ gear usually complete with moustache and leather jacket. It’s not that I’m judging, they obviously liked this era quite significantly. But it is now over, and has been for a few decades.

Thanks to the hot Mediterranean atmosphere, I was struggling to keep my dress from sticking to me, so I can only imagine how Starsky and Hutch in the corner were feeling!

I keep questioning why there was so many old people travelling on this mammoth ship all alone and where the heck have all the young people gone?!

And then I felt it: the tingle of a conspiracy theory coming along!

Maybe these twilight zone characters have persuaded other youthful members to follow them into their cabin for a drink, a spliff or for some lemonade ( I don’t know why, but maybe). Then this twilight-zone moustached man would pounce and drain the youthfulness out of his victims, then leave the  now old and decrepit victim to wonder the ship’s narrow corridors, so weak they appear not to speak English?!

YES! It makes so much sense!  It seems to be  the only explanation why the old would be attracted to the vast amounts of sport and entertainment facilities that the cruise ship offers. I didn’t have time to investigate my youth eater theory, I had a game of black jack to win and a party to make.

So somehow I dodged the two steppers and remained incognito doing the mash potato and the twist as my young friends and I relived an ancient era.

 It was the next day I realised why there was a particular scarcity in the youth market. Sadly it isn’t as interesting as the youth-eater theory. Its plain and simple - a hangover on a swaying ship which has a maze-like interior isn’t a grand idea especially when you spend your mourning trying to find the breakfast buffet.

The Roommate...

I’m just not one of those people who enjoy scary movies. I react similarly to a toddler: I cover my eyes and simultaneously watch the film through my parted fingers. I don’t blink. I scream out loud. And like a toddler I go to sleep and dream about the horrors. They affect me to the point that the horrific memory  follows me into dark rooms, behind doors and even some sound effects make a frequent appearance in my overly stimulated mind.

Fully realising my complete inability to handle any form of scary movie, my lovely Flatmate selected “the roommate” for us to watch on a movie night at home. It was about an obsessive university student clings on to her res roommate and essentially starts interfering in her life to the point that she starts trying to control who she speaks to and results in aggression and even murder. This characters glances and stares were nothing short of shrilling. I’ll admit it wasn’t the greatest film of all time but it was enough to freak me out!

My flatmate began with the torture by simulating those glances and stares; she even interrupted me when I was talking to another friend to announce that I was not allowed to talk to anyone but her. Her glares, although hilarious, began to creep me out to the point that I couldn’t even look at her. My laughter quickly turned to nervous squeaks.

Her determination to become the character was impressive! When I returned home I found a lovely drawn picture waiting for me on my pillow. It said Dana and Tara 4ever with a picture of me in the centre and a drawn picture of my boyfriend with a knife in his chest.

It was hilarious! I laughed until I fell to my knees, tears where in my eyes and my cheeks ached. Tara had fully transformed into my fears, strangely she did this in the most unbelievable abdominal workout kind of way.

I’m far less reluctant (although still pretty reluctant) to watch scary movies and I think my lovely, and character driven flatmate helped me overcome some kind of fear.

Weird way to help your friend, but hey, it works!

FACT: Aging is not an option

I was going through some photos in a big unorganised box in my big unorganised garage at home. I came across some photos of my mother when she was about thirty. She had one leg over a bicycle, tiny high wasted shorts at the top of her toned legs and a white vest covering her miniature waist. I look at this photo as her 22 year old daughter and wished that I looked that, now!

Hear ye hear ye!

The quest for eternal youth has begun!

Taketh as many youth aids as possible to ensure your life long youthful appearance.

you will be graded upon death in terms of how young you looked throughout your life span.

 Compliment + “for your age” = compliment/2

Eg: You are absolutely gorgeous, for your age.

When I was watching Oprah, as one does at three in the afternoon during the week, I was lucky enough to watch an episode on aging super models.

There sat four women ranging up from 40 to 63, spilling the beans on the challenges of being seen as the most beautiful in all of the land and then barely being noticed.

As they sat and shared their stories I would never have called any of them average. Beautiful is the word I would have used.

Why do we choose to place such terror over the aging process?

It’s going to happen!

 I have come to realise that there are different levels of beautiful. Beautiful when you’re young means classic appeal and lifelong attractiveness but when you’re an older lady ‘beautiful’ means that you’re still attractive but not as attractive as you were when you were young.

The solution- try look as close to the way that you used to when you where 20. Impossible right? But now due to cosmetic surgery everything is possible.

So now we see toned legs, bums up to backs, six packs, and melon size breasts holding onto tiny frames and faces that have seen a few too many hours in the fake sun.

So essentially, from behind we have gorgeous, yet slightly muscular, teenagers. At the front we have a menopausal woman that looks as if she is trying to sneak back into high school.

I can’t preach to anyone about how we should accept aging, but I do hope that when I grow up I will be happy with the stories the lines on my face tell.

Bummed out

I don’t really know what to think of this. I thought we were in a world that sold sex in advertising not a world that made you think pulling pieces of toilet paper out a simulated bum is acceptable. Because its not. Ever.

Somehow I feel that an advert with naked skeletal models slash humans (that have great hair and fake breasts,) covered in bees advertising a perfume, seems a bit more socially acceptable.

This advert offends me. They may as well have been handing out pooh stained toilet paper. That might better communicate the 100% recycled factor.

Imagine showing this to your parents and explaining that this is what you do for a living. Would they laugh? Or would they think “excellent, I’m so glad how smart my child is”

There are a lot of unnecessary advertisements that use shock factors that rely on gross bodily functions to do it. This is one of them.

I feel like I was there when they were coming up with this ambient. The idea probably started out like this:

Fv1: Ok let’s brainstorm how we can communicate how soft this toilet paper is

Mv1: Soft toilet paper doesn’t rub your skin off when you have the shits.

Fv1: Errrr... nice insight but I don’t think we should communicate that too explicitly.

Mv2: No way! Let’s shock the shit out of them!

Fv1:  As long as we don’t stick bums onto the toilet paper dispensers.

Mv1: Brilliant!

Mv2: Let’s do it!

In terms of being environmentally friendly and low budget I give it 10 out of ten. In terms of creating desire to use the toilet paper I give it -2.